nice to read

May I say first that I think you have done the most difficult work of all: the parsing of the good from the bad in your relationship, the keeping of the sacred. Three years out of my epic breakup and I'm still struggling with that. But bitterness is easy. You have a wild, open, generous heart. This is an immense gift. 


As for advice, shucks. I don't know. One of the worst things people said to me was, "Well, at least you weren't married!" This made me want to punch faces. Loss is loss. Sure, we all know there's a hierarchy, but it doesn't help to be reminded of it. You had made the decision to be with him. That's enough. 

On the other side of the coin, one of the best bits of advice was this: He is not as capable of being in the world as you are. Coping with life, all of life, all of its glorious messiness, is a serious skill. You have that. He doesn't. Your world will be richer because of it.

You will be told, and often, that you can now do all the amazing, single-life things you have always wanted to do—chop off all your hair! move to New York! get a tattoo! get a cat!—and you should do all these things (I did), or whatever else your disastrously bloody heart tells you to do, but the difficult thing to reconcile is that there is likely no part of you in your new life that could not have existed in the old. Some relationships are stifling and restrictive, yes, but it doesn't sound like yours was. The truth is that you were not set free; you were abandoned. No amount of dancing alone across the moonlit beaches of Thailand will make that any less true. What you can do is embrace the things that make you YOU and dig deeper into them—not because you couldn't before, but because you need to put something in that space. All the wine tasting classes in the world won't fill it completely. Likely nothing will. Accept that this is a permanent wound. You didn't get the wedding ring. You got an empty apartment and some white-hot pain. There is nothing you could have done or can do to change that. 

So you put one foot in front of the other. "No feeling is final," Rilke said. And all the weird, brave things you love or think you might love or hope to someday love, the yoga classes and knitting socials and, eventually, dating apps and shy flirting on subway platforms, are at the very least moving you away from an old feeling, and into a new. 

Last, finally, always, the most important: Hold your friends close. Now closer still. Squeeze them until you think your body might melt into theirs. Aren't they the best? They really, truly are. 

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“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 

The Painted Drum By: Louise Erdrich

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word cloud

Taken from the most frequent words used on the blog!

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10 Things I Wish I Could Have Told Myself 5 Years Ago By Brianna Wiest

1. You spend too much time worried about the vapid opinions of jealous, little people. What you have to know is that nothing will define you unless you let it. You are only whoever you decide you are. You are not a democracy. There is nothing that anybody can say that will change who you are, unless you take it to heart and you let it.

2. There is no designated time for anything in your life. You don’t have to have your first kiss at any certain time, you don’t have to get married in your 20′s and you don’t have to do anything just because other people think it’s best. In fact, you will be much better off if you just do what your heart says. The day you stop caring what other people think is the day their opinions don’t mean anything, because you’re not there to give them weight.

3. What’s important is that you have to be kind to people, and you have to do your best. Learn to put other people first. Learn to not freak out over little, petty things. There are much bigger problems in life that you will one day have to worry about, and while I know your 9th grade drama seems like the be-all-end-all trust me, it’s not.

4. I know a big concern is whether or not you’re attractive,whether or not you’re fat or skinny, whether or not the music you listen to is “cool,” but here’s the thing: you’re seeking an answer that doesn’t exist. You are only as much or as little of any of those things as you think you are. But what’s more important is that you have to realize that there are a thousand things that are more important than being “cool” or “beautiful.” Find those things, and take pride in them instead. They won’t fade with time.

5. One of the absolute truths about life is that people will forget what you did, they will forget what you said, but they will not forget how you made them feel. I cannot stress this enough. Listen to Maya Angelou.

6. It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to be happy all the time. Life is not supposed to be a joy ride every single day. It’s okay to have a broken heart or hurt feelings or to be anxious or nervous. It’s resisting these things that give them their choke hold on you. Let it be a beautiful and sad part of the story, but only a page or a chapter here and there, not the whole book. One day you will realize how important these dynamics are.

7. You need to work on having a little more blind faith in things– yes, I know, this seems counter-intuitive to all the messages that you’re receiving from society. But there is a difference between taking control of your life by pursuing things that are important to you and learning when to let go and let whatever is supposed to be unfold by itself. It’s a little anxiety-inducing to be blindly led by the universe, but please, please take my word for it: you will be led to far greater places than you could even comprehend to take yourself. Trust it, and go with the flow babe.

8. Stop being afraid of being who you are. At the end of the day, people can hate on you as much as their little cold hearts desire, but what it should all really tell you is that there is some gaping insecurity within them that forces them to be mean to you. You are a bad ass. You are a fantastic person. You are going to do great things, even thought you don’t feel like you’re worth anything right now. Stop trying to hide who you are or cover it up because you think if people attack your armor they won’t affect who you really are. But the truth about that is you are allowing them to control your ego because you’re not in tune with your true self.

9. Learn to sit back and enjoy the ride. Immerse yourself in the joy you find in lazy Sundays. Eat your favorite foods. Do the things you love to do, and don’t feel bad because it’s not “cool” or something. You have to realize that just because your life doesn’t look like someone else’s doesn’t mean it’s less than theirs. In fact, embrace the fact that your life isn’t anything like anybody else’s, it’s personally tailored for you. So put on that suit and wear it like the beautiful woman you will one day become.

10. You don’t need love, now or ever. You will have your heart seriously broken a few times, but you know what? You’ll pick yourself right the hell up and become even more fabulous than you were before. Do not settle. If you have your own love, and by that I mean you’re okay with being with yourself and you can find happiness in your life as it is, you’ll realize that you are waiting for someone else to come and make your life worth living. But here’s the truth: people will come and go. Love will fade and reignite and you will be headed for nothing but problems if your love for someone is contingent upon what they can do for you. Embrace your independence now, and keep your head high always. There are far better things ahead than you can even imagine. 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/10-things-i-wish-i-could-have-told-myself-5-years-ago/#EIldZxYEH5ir4Ae6.99

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thought provoking

I went on a date last night and then you texted and asked, again, whether I would come there. Start our days with coffee, end with you making dinner. Forever. I feel myself tug towards yes and then I remember why it will always be no with you and I.

There are people in your life who are going to love you for all of the wrong reasons. They will love you for the best part of your face, the best part of you naked, the best mood on your best day, the best story you ever wrote, the best outfit you ever wore.

They are going to miss the scar on the underside of your nose from the time your older brothers dared you to run across a pile of logs. They won’t know that you fell on a hidden nail just as you completed the challenge. They’ll miss the scar on your finger, too from the time you were seven and closed a swiss army knife on it. They won’t understand that these are two of only a handful of things you can remember about your childhood. They’ll notice that you have great tits, but they’ll miss that your thumb tucks into their palm when you’re walking together and that your eyes have darker circles when a migraine is coming. They won’t know you get migraines. They won’t ask where the story you wrote came from, so they’ll never know that it was true. They’ll love it because it feels real to them. They’ll miss knowing the sweatshirt full of holes that they criticized you for wearing was your dads. You might tell them some of these things along the way, but they will remember the best things instead.

They will love your good moods, your energy, your sense of humor, but miss that you never turn to them, but rather to a shower or a pillow or the back of your throat to shed tears. They won’t ever consider you strong.

When the parts that aren’t your best come out, some people will shield their eyes as if you have just forced them to look directly into the sun for hours until their irises burn. They’ll silently make you promise to never show them that again. Those things are not to be shown. Be at your best so I can love you. I would love you more if only you never show me those things.

And you do not marry those people. You do not sit and sleepily drink coffee with those people. You leave those people and you remind yourself that they missed the better parts of you.

http://givemeajobplease.tumblr.com/post/31492836897/thebest

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XXXIV 
(You are the daughter of the sea)
by Pablo Neruda

You are the daughter of the sea, oregano's first cousin.
Swimmer, your body is pure as the water;
cook, your blood is quick as the soil.
Everything you do is full of flowers, rich with the earth.

Your eyes go out toward the water, and the waves rise; your hands go out to the earth and the seeds swell; you know the deep essence of water and the earth, conjoined in you like a formula for clay.

Naiad: cut your body into turquoise pieces,
they will bloom resurrected in the kitchen.
This is how you become everything that lives.

And so at last, you sleep, in the circle of my arms
that push back the shadows so that you can rest--
vegetables, seaweed, herbs: the foam of your dreams.

Long time no post! I miss my little journal! Working on uploading some of the past months...love to all!

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good things

And...it's already April. Here are some snaps of the sweetest things of the past couple months..spring is wonderful.

eggs from a dear friend's chickens 

my parents visiting and being "scientists"

happy fellows!

swing sittin'

wide open spaces

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st. patricks.

It's been a tough week because of a loss in our family..our precious Ichabod passed away. I'm sending hugs to all my family and missing Icky tons. We will never forget him. Today is St. Patrick's so here's an Irish blessing to get in the spirit and to remind ourselves how blessed we were to have Icky as a part of our family.

May you always be blessed
With walls for the wind
A roof for the rain
A warm cup of tea by the fire
Laughter to cheer you
Those you love near you
And all that your heart might desire

IRISH BLESSING

hip hip gin gin

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easy truths

Couldn't agree more!

 via http://mianolting.com/

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We expect so much of spring. And though it comes slowly, it always fills me with an optimism for spring cleaning, new projects and the like. We've been busy bees and recently got the chance to spend a weekend in Seattle visiting Natalie's darling parents. I'll post some photos soon. In the meantime here are some snapshots of our emerging spring in Eastern Washington. I've got great big plans for my own garden here--asparagus, strawberries, spinach, onions, herbs and definitely lavender. Any suggestions or tips? 

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poachy poach poached

I've been trying to learn how to poach my eggs with just boiling water. Any tips? Just stumbled across this..might give it a try!

foodess

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happy valentines

For your Valentine's a quote from one of my favorite books. "A History of Love" by Nicole Krauss...

“The first language humans had was gestures. There was nothing primitive about this language that flowed from people’s hands, nothing we say now that could not be said in the endless array of movements possible with the fine bones of the fingers and wrists. The gestures were complex and subtle, involving a delicacy of motion that has since been lost completely.

During the Age of Silence, people communicated more, not less. Basic survival demanded that the hands were almost never still, and so it was only during sleep (and sometimes not even then) that people were not saying something or other. No distinction was made between the gestures of language and the gestures of life. The labor of building a house, say, or preparing a meal was no less an expression than making the sign for I love you or I feel serious. When a hand was used to shield one’s face when frightened by a loud noise something was being said, and when fingers were used to pick up what someone else had dropped something was being said; and even when the hands were at rest, that, too, was saying something. Naturally, there were misunderstandings. There were times when a finger might have been lifted to scratch a nose, and if casual eye contact was made with one’s lover just then, the lover might accidentally take it to be the gesture, not at all dissimilar, for now I realize I was wrong to love you. These mistakes were heartbreaking. And yet, because people knew how easily they could happen, because they didn’t go round with the illusion that they understood perfectly the things other people said, they were used to interrupting each other to ask if they’d understood correctly. Sometimes these misunderstandings were even desirable, since they gave people a reason to say, Forgive me, I was only scratching my nose. Of course I know I’ve always been right to love you. Because of the frequency of these mistakes, over time the gesture for asking forgiveness evolved into the simplest form. Just to open your palm was to say: forgive me.

If at large gatherings or parties, or around people with whom you feel distant, your hands sometimes hang awkwardly at the ends of your arms – if you find yourself at a loss for what to do with them, overcome with sadness that comes when you recognize the foreignness of your own body – it’s because your hands remember a time when the division between mind and body, brain and heart, what’s inside and what’s outside, was so much less. It’s not that we’ve forgotten the language of gestures entirely. The habit of moving our hands while we speak is left over from it. Clapping, pointing, giving the thumbs-up, for example, is a way to remember how it feels to say nothing together. And at night, when it’s too dark to see, we find it necessary to gesture on each other’s bodies to make ourselves understood.”

A History of Love

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grapefruit cake

I really need to make this...asap.




  


http://casayellow.com/a-grapefruit-olive-oil-cake-for-a-cold-winter-day/

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Steinbeck on love

via Cup of Jo

New York 

November 10, 1958 

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had. 

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

via The Atlantic 

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meep meep

Still here! As usual in the moving process we've been busy with the hustle and bustle of a new environment. New house, new friends, new jobs! All exciting and lovely adventures. 2011 has been quite the year and I'm eager to see what 2012 will bring. Tonight I took some time to slow down and be cozy by making squash soup. Updates and pictures to come! In the meantime..love and happiness to everyone! 

frommetoyou

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moving

We are officially moved into our new place! Although we still have our belongings scattered about..everything is coming together. My favorite parts about our little space is that it's cute, bright, and that we have a garden! As many times as I've moved in the past six years I still get excited about the new memories to be made in a new space. Happy Wednesday tout le monde! 

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giving thanks.

This year we all have so many things to be thankful for. I'm so proud and so blessed to have such wonderful people surround me everyday. I'm thankful for my amazing family, my patient and loving boyfriend, and my lovely friends who continue to make me a better person. I love you all very much.

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thought catalog

emersonmade.com

"It’s better to make the decision to stay and love someone. About all I can hope for in life is that the people I love know that I love them. That I’m doing all I can to treat people as well as I can. The noble struggle is to find a way to love someone. To really love someone. To get beyond yourself far enough that you can actually care about another person more than you care about yourself. Once you do that you can start building something beyond your own selfish life".

thoughtcatalog

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washington.

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checkup

I'm still here! Just in another state of transition. Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween! More posts soon.

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